Leroy In Time

Happy Independence Day, my American friends! And to my many readers outside of America...Happy Wednesday, I guess! Then again, some of you may be over the date line so...Happy Tuesday? Or is it Thursday? I don't know how it works, but I mainly want your day to be happy.

This is a time travel story starring Leroy the Penguin and his new friend, Peter the Lemur. He met Peter at a zoo somewhere in the western part of this country, though he says, for security reasons, he can’t tell me exactly where. But, he swears that this story is absolutely true…of course, this is the same guy who swore blind that he spoke to Santa Claus last Christmas, so…whatever. Draw your own conclusions.

I like zoos. It’s just nice to see so many different kinds of animals living together in such a peaceful, civilized society. I love to go to different zoos and meet all the different kinds of creatures who live there. I meet the most interesting folk that way. That’s how I met Peter, after all, and that’s how this story begins…

“Hi, I’m Leroy.”

“Nice to meet you, I’m Peter.”

See? That’s how it begins. Now it’s begun. So next comes…what happened next!

“So, hows the whole lemur thing working out for you?”

Oh, did I not mention Peter is a lemur? Silly me, forgetting something like that. Oh! Also, he’s British.

“Oh, not bad. What about you? Life of a penguin working out okay?”

“Can’t complain. So what are you up to today?”

“Well, it’s funny you should ask. I do need a bit of help with this project I’m working on. Maybe you’d like to lend me a flipper?”

“Okay,” said me, always eager to help, so I followed Peter into his habitat where I saw what looked suspiciously like a cardboard box with the words “time machine” written on the side with a magic marker.

“This,” said Peter, dramatically, “is my time machine!”

“Really? Cuz it looks suspiciously like a cardboard box with the words ‘time machine’ written on the side with a magic marker.”

“Does it? Funny, I hadn’t noticed. At any rate, there it is and it’s almost finished. The trouble is, I can’t finish it on my own. I need someone to sit inside the machine and operate a few simple controls while I enter the final calculations on the large computer bank just to your right.”

To my surprise, I found that there was a large computer bank just to my right. Strange how I noticed the cardboard box before I noticed that. Anyway, as I said, I’m always eager to help so I climbed into the box and found the controls he was talking about (which also looked suspiciously like he had drawn them on with a magic marker). They were, as he said, quite simple. There was a large arrow pointing to the left which said “PAST,” another large arrow pointing to the right which said “FUTURE” and in between, a small square button that said “PRESENT.”

“I just need to calibrate the ‘Present’ setting,” Peter explained, “by linking it to the same thingie that automatically resets your cell phone clock when you cross time zones.”

Sorry for all the techno-babble. Hope you can keep up.

“So what do I do?” I asked.

“Just press and hold down the ‘Present’ button when I tell you and release it at the exact moment I say. Okay?”

I said okay and held my flipper eagerly over the button. Peter did a few weird things on his computer thing, while I started to think about time travel and what it could mean. I could go back into history and meet famous people. I could learn the answers to so many great mysteries about our world. I could go into the future and see the future progress of penguinkind. I could go back to that day last fall and warn myself not to eat a whole carton of ice cream in one sitting so that I wouldn’t be sick to my stomach when Mary Beth called to ask if I wanted to hang out.

Wow! That was stupid.

“All right…now!” said Peter and I held down the button. When I did, it behaved very much the way a button drawn on cardboard would behave, but the whole box started humming. Peter was monitoring the progress on his screen and I was waiting attentively for him to say to let go. The humming was getting louder and the whole box was vibrating. I was getting nervous. Finally, Peter cried, “Now! Now!” and I took my flipper off the button and everything calmed down.

“Did it work?” I asked.

“I think so,” said Peter, looking at his readouts. “If my calculations are correct, and they are 85.9% of the time, the time machine is calibrated correctly.”

“85.9% of the time?”

“Yes, I keep a record of my past calculations and worked out how often they are correct.”

“So there’s a 14.1% chance that that calculation is wrong?”

“Hmmm. I hadn’t thought of that. Never mind. Now all that remains is the maiden voyage. You can come with me if you like, but step out of the time machine first so I can—wait! No! Stop!” But it was too late. While climbing out of the box, I had accidentally hit the button marked “Past.” I took my flipper off it right away, but it was too late. There had been a blinding flash of light and the next thing I knew…well…I was somewhere else.

Or, maybe that should be, somewhen else.

In fact, on close examination I concluded that I was in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1776. The way I was able to reach this conclusion is that a man walked past me saying, “Nice day here in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1776, wouldn’t you say?”

Looking back, I guess he was oddly informative.

Anyway, there I was in 1776. I couldn’t resist taking a look around. It looked just like it did in the movies, and that bit in Disney World with the Hall of Presidents. People had on knickers and tri-cornered hats and I was almost stepped on by three different horses, a personal record for me.

“Be careful, small one,” said a voice behind me. “You’d do well to watch where you’re going.”

I looked up and saw a tall, thin man with red hair smiling down at me. I knew enough about history to know who this was: Thomas Jefferson!

“Perhaps you should come with me. The streets of Philadelphia are not safe for one so small.”

So, taking me up in his arms, Mr. Jefferson carried me to his rooms at the inn where he was staying. I knew that his home was in Virginia, but he was here in Philadelphia as part of the Second Continental Congress which was in the process of debating the difficult question of independence.

“You see, small one,” said Mr. Jefferson, “many of us believe our relationship with Great Britain has grown intolerable and think we should break away and start a new nation.”

“That makes sense to me, Mr. Jefferson.”

“Yes, and to me, and Mr. Adams, and Dr. Franklin and many others. But there are some who disagree. These are the wealthy, conservative set who benefit from their association with the mother country and are concerned that a seperation will jeopardize their status and power. They would rather live comfortably in the past than face the challenge and promise of the future.”

“So, it’s nice to know that hasn’t changed,” I said, but too softly for Mr. Jefferson to hear me.

“That’s what I’m working on here, you see,” Mr. Jefferson continued, showing me to his writing desk. “I am on a committee whose purpose is to write out, in plain, simple terms, the reasons why this seperation is not only justified, but necessary.”

Again, my knowledge of history was enough to tell me that he was talking about the Declaration of Independence. I was pretty excited, I don’t mind telling you. Thomas Jefferson was writing the Declaration of Independence a few feet away from me! How cool is that?

“It hasn’t been easy,” he went on. “Every member of the congress seems to want their own interests represented in this document. They quibble over the slightest detail and ignore the purpose of the paper itself. Besides, the words have to be just right.”

“I understand, sir,” I said. “I happen to be good friends with a writer, and he’s always telling me how important it is to get the words just right.”

“I think I’m nearly there. If only I could think of a good beginning. That’s the most important bit, you know. The beginning. Grab the reader’s attention right away.”

“So my friend has said. May I hear what you have so far?”

“It’s not much I’m afraid.” Mr. Jefferson took up the sheet of paper he was working from and read, “‘There are times when men must pursue the goals of his people and face the…’” that’s as far as he got before he crumpled it up and threw it in the corner, where it landed on a large pile of papers which had met a similar fate. I resisted the temptation to pick one up and pocket it to take back with me…of course, that’s mainly because I had no pockets.

“If you’ll pardon my saying so, Mr. Jefferson, I think you’re trying to make it too fancy. You said yourself that it should be in plain, simple words.”

“This is not a grocery list, my small friend. It is an important document.”

“It certainly is. But that doesn’t mean it has to be Shakespeare. What about something like, ‘When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary…’”

“‘…it becomes necessary,’” continued Mr. Jefferson, a bright gleam in his eye, “‘for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another…’” Suddenly excited, a look which I’ve come to know through my association with the selfsame friend I mentioned to Mr. Jefferson earlier, he sat down at his desk and resumed his writing. I was fascinated as I saw him scribble away with his quill pen. I glanced at the paper he was writing on and smiled. He was at my favorite part:

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” I thought about how simple an idea that was and, yet, what a revolutionary one it was back then. I thought about how that simple idea would change the world. I thought about the countless people in my time who still didn’t understand that self-evident truth…all men are created equal. Part of me wanted to suggest that he add “and women” to that sentence, or even “regardless of the color of their skin or what country they come from or who they want to marry or if they’re a penguin or how much money they’ve got in their pockets or what religion they are…” but I didn’t want to disturb history too much. Plus, you have to admit, it wouldn’t have sounded quite so good.

Suddenly there came a light tapping sound from the window. Someone was throwing small stones at it to get our attention. Mr. Jefferson got up to see who it was and I was nervous that he might “lose his flow” as my friend puts it and not be able to finish. As he looked out the window he smiled and turned to me. “I believe it’s for you.”

Confused, I went to window and there was Peter the Lemur standing in the street. I said my goodbyes to Mr. Jefferson and ran downstairs to meet him.

“I’m glad you’re all right,” said Peter when he saw me. “I was worried I wouldn’t be able to find you.”

“But how did you get here?” I asked.

“Oh, that. I built another time machine. But it got run over by a horse, so we’ll have to take the first one back. C’mon then.” Luckily, the original time machine had not been run over by a horse so we got in and Peter hit the ‘Present’ button and, with another flash of light, we were back in the good ole 21^st Century, exactly where we were when the whole ordeal started.

“It’s good to be back,” I said, being slightly more careful as I climbed out of the box this time.

“Yes, I think I still have a few more adjustments to make. So, how did you enjoy your trip to the past? Anything interesting happen?”

“Same thing that happens everywhere I go,” I said. “I made a new friend.”

THE END

Leroy Goes To Disneyland

After last week’s somewhat macabre offering, I thought this week we all needed something a little lighter. To that end, I present this adventure of my good friend and frequent collaborator, Leroy the Penguin. About this time last year, he went on his first trip to my favorite place on the planet, Disneyland. And, true to form, he got into trouble. 


(I should mention here, just for legal reasons, that I claim no ownership of any of the copyrighted images, names, places and so on contained herein. Disney owns Disneyland, and I hope they don't sue me or Leroy over this silly little story)


Enjoy!

Oh my gosh, you guys! Disneyland is so great! There’s so much awesome stuff there! I could go every single day for ever and ever and also ever!

Of course, the first time I went things didn’t exactly go the way I had hoped.

The adventure started out promising enough. I went through the front gate and saw the big Mickey Mouse floral arrangement. I went through the archway and saw the cool posters for the rides. And then I was in another world! Specifically, Main Street, USA, circa 1900. There were horse-drawn carriages and a barbershop quartet and lots of old-tyme stuff everywhere I looked. And Donald Duck was there! I went to see Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln and was moved to tears.

I will admit that it wasn’t easy making my way down Main Street. There were a lot of people there and I am sort of on the small side. But I’ve gotten used to moving through crowds without getting stepped on…much…so all things considered, everything was going swell.

The next thing I saw was what they call “The Hub” where they have this big statue of Walt Disney holding hands with Mickey Mouse. I was looking at the statue thinking about how all this wonderful stuff around me was all born in the imagination of this man, when a voice behind me said, “Hey, what are you doing here?”

I turned around and there was a Disney cast member looking at me. “You’re a long way from home, aren’t you, little guy?”

“Er…what?” was all I could think to say. Apparently, he didn’t hear me because the next thing I knew he had picked me up and was taking me somewhere! I tried to shout but he was holding me funny so I couldn’t even talk. He carried me through Sleeping Beauty’s Castle into Fantasyland. My first glimpse of King Arthur’s Carousel and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride was in the arms of what was essentially a kidnapper! Before long, we had gone through Fantasyland and were going into a sort of access door in “It’s a Small World.”

“Here you go! Home sweet home,” said the cast member as he plunked me down among a lot of other penguins. “I don’t know how you got to Main Street, but this is where you belong.” Satisfied in a job well done, the cast member left before I even thought to read his nametag so I could complain.

It was clear to me now what had happened: this guy thought I was one of the animatronic penguins in the ride and had brought me back. I was surrounded by penguins and children singing a very cheery song which I liked, but got the sense I would like less if I had to listen to it all the livelong day.

“Excuse me!” I called out. “Not a robot! Real penguin right here! Hello!”

“Here,” said a little girl in a passing boat. “Jump in!” I did and rode the rest of the way with Susie and her parents. As we got out of the boat and I was saying thank you to Susie, another cast member came and picked me up.

“Did you get this inside the ride?” she asked Susie and her parents very sternly. She thought they had stolen me!

“He doesn’t belong in there,” said Susie.

“Hmmm. You’re right,” said the cast member, looking me over. “This is a bird. He belongs in Adventureland.” This time the reason I couldn’t protest was because I was kind of exhausted from the ordeal. So I was brought to Adventureland and sat on a perch in the Enchanted Tiki Room. I wanted to just walk out right away…but the show was about to start and I didn’t want to ruin it. So I sat in with the bird glee club for a few choruses of “The Tiki Tiki Tiki Room” and when the show ended, I took my bows and snuck out with the audience.

It looked like I was free…until another cast member came and saw me, picked me up (my throat was sore from all the singing, so I still couldn’t explain) and carried me to Critter Country where I was deposited among some birds and frogs and turtles on Splash Mountain.

As you can probably guess, I was getting pretty tired of all this by now and was determined to put a stop to it once and for all. So, just like when I was in “It’s a Small World,” I jumped into a passing boat (or, rather, log) and resolved to ride my way out…had I know what kind of ride Splash Mountain is, I might have thought of a different plan.

But, in the end, I emerged, however soggy, and marched up to the first cast member I could find and tugged on her pants leg. “Now listen here, Missy!” I said, uncharacteristically rude, but I was fed up. “I have been dragged all over this park today by you people. First I was in ‘It’s a Small World,’ then I was in the Tiki Room and then I was on Splash Mountain and I don’t belong on any of those rides!”

“No, of course you don’t,” she said. “You’re that penguin from Toy Story 2, aren’t you? Maybe you belong on the Buzz Lightyear ride?”

“No, no,” said another cast member, joining her. “He’s a Muppet penguin. He should be in Muppet-Vision 3-D.”

“Is he one of the ‘Mary Poppins’ penguins? The parade should be starting soon.”

“Maybe we’re doing a promotion for Club Penguin.”

“Maybe he got here all the way from SeaWorld.”

“Maybe—”

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” It’s likely I would’ve had a genuine, bona fide, coniption fit right at that moment, but luckily someone overheard and came over. He was a sort of rolly-polly someone with yellow fur and a red shirt. As it happens, we knew each other through a mutual friend, so he recognized me at once. I explained the situation to him and he picked me up in his paws and took me to see the only person who could help me get everything straight: The Big Cheese himself! So, I had a talk with the Big Cheese and everything was sorted out. I was given a special badge to wear indicating that I was a guest of the park and not part of any attraction.

But apart from that, my first trip to Disneyland was a complete success. I liked the park so much I never wanted to leave...but, of course, that's another story.

THE END

Next Week:

"The Selfish Giant"

Leroy's Great Escape

Being sort of small and mostly black, Leroy is often overlooked when he ventures out into the world. For all you know, you may have passed him on the street of your own home town and not seen him. This comes in handy, as you can imagine, but it also gets my friend into a lot of trouble. A while back, he told me this story which should illustrate that point quite nicely.

Leroy is different from some other penguins you might know. For one thing, he doesn’t care for fish. For another, he’s not a strong swimmer. He also doesn’t like the cold. So, when the weather started to change, he decided he needed to buy some nice warm socks. Thus resulved, he strapped on his fannypack-backpack and went to the mall. Not surprisingly, none of the clothing stores he visited carried socks that would fit over his webbed penguin feet.

He was on his way out of the mall, wondering if he could order penguin socks on-line, when he passed a toy store. He thought checking out the toys would be a great way to cheer himself up after his sadly blunderous attempt to acquire socks so in he went. He walked down the aisles of Transformers, Barbie dolls, board games, drawing toys, Play-Doh, those things with the plastic rings that get bigger and bigger and little babies put them on a stick into a kind of a cone shape…what the heck are those things called? Oh, sorry, I’m digressing.

At length, he came upon a Tickle-Me Elmo doll. Having been in Antarctica when the last craze for this toy swept America, he missed out and wanted to give it a try. Unfortunately, once he had turned the doll on, it wouldn’t turn off. He tried shoving it back on the shelf and hoping no one would notice. This might’ve worked except the doll shook the entire shelving structure and an Elefun game, carelessly tossed in the overstock section by an employee, fell and hit Leroy right on the head, knocking him unconscious…

When he came to, several hours later, he found, to his horror, that he was on a shelf, surrounded by plush toys in a closed and locked toy store in an even more closed and locked mall! It took him no time to figure out what had happened: In his unconscious state, he must’ve looked like a toy and was shelved by a well meaning worker and left there when the store closed for business. At first, he was grateful that he hadn’t been sold…then he was annoyed by that fact and wondered why he hadn’t been sold. Then he came to his senses and started thinking of a way out. The iron shutters were down, the lights were out and for all he knew he was the only living creature in the mall.

“How do I get out of here?” he said out loud. He had no idea why he said it out loud, knowing that there was no one around to hear him.

“You get sold or stolen,” said a voice from behind him. “That’s about it.” Leroy spun around and saw that he was being addressed by a teddy bear with a red muffler. This didn’t surprise Leroy as much as you might think because, being an avid movie buff (which, come to think of it, might be a redundant phrase), he was well aware of the scientific fact that toys come to life when there are no people around. “You don’t look familiar,” the bear continued. “Are you part of a new shipment? Cuz we got some Disney merch just this morning that—”

“No, I’m not a toy! I’m a real penguin!” said Leroy.

“Oh, great!” said the bear, with an exasperated sigh. “Another Buzz Lightyear wannabe!”

“No, really. I’m a real live, honest-to-gosh penguin. See? I have a heartbeat and everything.”

“So you do!” said the bear, after listening to Leroy’s heart. “Well, welcome to **************!” (Yeah, Leroy and I have been asked to withhold the name of the store for legal reasons. Sufficed to say, it’s not the one you’re thinking of.) “I’m Colin.”

“Leroy. Look, I don’t belong here. How do I get out?”

“Nobody gets out,” said another voice and a remote control car rolled into view. “Not after that gate’s been lowered.”

“I can’t stay here all night! I’m alive. I need food and water and warm milk and my dehumidifier and my Comfy-Cozy-Quilt!” (Yeah, don’t tell him I put that part in. He doesn’t like people to know about his Comfy-Cozy-Quilt…I don’t know why, he’s just sensitive like that.)

“Okay, Leroy, calm down!” said Colin. “Would you like to give me a hug? I’ve been told I’m very snuggly.”

“Yes, that would help.” So Leroy gave Colin a hug and he was, indeed, snuggly. Then, so as not to appear rude, he tried to hug the R/C car, but it didn’t work so well…ya know, cuz he’s a car. After the subsequent Fergusonesque awkward pause (I'm trying to get that to catch on; spread the word), the problem of getting Leroy out of the store was addressed in earnest.

“We should burn the place to the ground!!!”

“Okay,” said Colin in a firm voice. “Bad guy toys are not allowed to suggest ideas!” Voldemort, The Joker and a few Decepticons grumbled angrily amongst themselves, but said no more on the subject.

“I have a ridiculously elaborate plan involving multiple operatives working a complex series of—”

“Also none of the good guys from Toy Story 3! That’s not what this is!”

After the stupid ideas had been filtered out, a real plan was settled on. Stretch Armstrong squeezed through the holes in the gate, then Colin handed him a bag of marbles. Stretch ran out into the middle of the floor and dropped the marbles. The plan was that the security guard would see the movement on his monitors and run down to investigate, at which point Leroy could get his attention and get out. The plan was executed perfectly…unfortunately, there was no security guard on duty, just security cameras and motion sensors on the doors of the high end stores which, sadly, didn’t include the toy store.

The next plan was suggested by Barbie Dressed As Lucille Ball For Some Reason. It involved using suction cup toys to climb up the gate and Erector set tools to deactivate the locking mechanism…it should be pretty obvious why this plan failed.

There were a few more misfires. A pirate action figure tried to pick the lock with his sword. G.I. Joe wanted to use artillery. Winnie the Pooh got all zen and suggested they try to not help Leroy, see if that might work. Hours passed and it was looking increasingly like Leroy would spend the night in the toy store. Until...

“I got out!”

Well, yeah, I know you did. But how?

“I…escaped…cleverly.”

Leroy, c’mon, we’re telling a story here. You gotta give me more than that.

“It was a triumph of…imagination and…innovation and…intervention and—”

Leroy!

“Okay fine! I remembered that I had a cell phone in my fannypack-backpack, but I’d turned it off while I was talking to the sales help at Penneys, so I turned it back on, called my friend Carla and she came and got me. Happy?”

Very. Because you told the truth.

“Shut up!”

So, yeah, it turns out this wasn’t a very exciting story after all and, honestly, I don’t think we learned much of a lesson from this one. Except maybe to keep your cellphone turned on in case of emergencies, don’t listen to plans suggested by plastic persons and if you’re working retail, be careful with the inventory so that penguins don’t get knocked out and mistaken for plush toys…so, no, not much of a payoff on this one. But, we got some good toy jokes and Leroy made friends with a teddy bear. And, after all this, Carla knitted Leroy a pair of warm socks, so he’s all set…that plus his Comfy-Cozy-Quilt should be—

“Hey!”

Sorry.

THE END

Next Week: "The Wit and Wisdom of Nasreddin Hodja"