Goldilocks and the Three Bears

This is another popular story with an interesting history. In fact there was a story by Robert Southey in 1837 about three bears, but the human character was an angry, gray-haired old crone who broke into the bears' home. This version (a-hem!) bears strong (suspiciously strong) similarities to a story about an old woman and three bears that had been published six years previously. Of course, in this earlier version, the bears proved to be disturbingly vindictive toward the old woman. They set her on fire, try to drown her, and ultimately are only able to kill her by impaling her on a church steeple...ugh! Twelve years later, another story appeared, this time by Joseph Cundall, who has turned the old woman into a little girl with silver hair (later golden hair, thus "Goldilocks"). 

Some of you may wonder why it's taken me so long to include this story in my collection. Well, the truth is, I had a hard time making the whole breaking-and-entering thing plausible. Just barging into someone else's house is pretty much universally held to be a no-no, so I needed to figure out how that could be reconciled with the character's otherwise sweet and loveable, Shirley Temple-esque demeanor. The answer came from, of all places, "Fractured Fairy Tales," about which I have written before. In one of their versions of Goldilocks, they establish the character as being "careless with other people's things!" I happen to have a close relative who has this same shortcoming, so that helped immensely.

Goldilocks was a little girl with pretty golden hair, which is good, cuz otherwise it’s be pretty silly to call her “Goldilocks,” don’tcha think? And though she had many good qualities (smart, pretty, good sense of humor, impeccable fashion sense and she always did the dishes when it was her turn) she also had one glaring, irrefutable bad quality: She was very, very careless with other people’s things. Any friend who lent her a doll or a book or something invariably regretted doing so because she treated other people’s things so badly. If she broke the spine of a book or the head came off a friend’s doll, she just thought “Well, at least it wasn’t mine.”

She lived with her family in a lovely house on the outskirts of a wide wood, and one day, she decided she would go and explore the woods. She wandered deep, deep into the forest, taking note of the beautiful flora and fauna around her. But time passes quickly when you’re having fun, and it seemed like she had just begun when she realized it was getting close to suppertime and she had to head home…unfortunately, by now Goldilocks was very, very much lost in the woods. Suddenly, the beautiful flora and fauna seemed strange and sinister and she just wanted to go home.

But, having no compass, no map and no way of knowing where she’d already been, poor Goldilocks just kept getting loster and loster…where we will have to leave her for the time being, for elsewhere in the forest was a house just as quaint and lovely as Goldilocks’. The only real difference was that it had no front porch, a larger chimney, an extra guest room on the main floor…Oh! And the people who lived there were actually bears.

A family of bears, in fact. A Poppa Bear, a Momma Bear, and a Baby Bear (well, more of a Little Kid Bear, but “Baby Bear” sounds better, so it’ll have to do) who were just sitting down to a dinner of porridge. Now, you might not like porridge for dinner, but bears happen to love it, especially with lots of honey, which, as I’m sure you know, bears like on pretty much everything, which is why you should never order a pizza with a bear.

But when Poppa Bear tasted his first spoonful of porridge, it was so hot it burned his tongue. “YOW!” he cried. “This porridge is much too hot!”

So the bears decided they would go for a quick walk in the woods while they let their dinner cool. And no sooner had they left then Goldilocks arrived. Overjoyed at seeing a house in the middle of this dense forest, Goldilocks rudely ran inside without even knocking or asking permission. And, when she saw several bowls of porridge sitting on the table seemingly waiting for her, she was doubly excited and she sat down in front of the first bowl of porridge took a big spoonful and—

“YOW!” she cried. “This porridge is much too hot!” And she was so excited that she dropped the bowl and spilled it all over the table. So, she moved onto the next bowl, to which she added some cold milk to make it cooler. “No,” she said. “Now it’s too cold.” So she turned to the last bowl added slightly less milk and took a bite. “Ahh! Now this is juuust right!” And she finished the whole bowl in a flash.

But she ate too fast, and it upset her tummy, so she wanted to sit down and relax a bit. She tried to sit in the great big arm chair, but it was too big. Then she saw a little chair by the fireplace, but it was too low. Finally her eye (and then the rest of her) fell on a comfy-looking rocking chair which was juuust right. Unfortunately, she rocked too fast and broke the chair.

Of course, Goldilocks didn’t worry too much about that (after all, she thought, it’s not as if it were my chair) especially because eating all that porridge after such an exhausting trip through the woods had made her sleepy. So she went upstairs to see if she couldn’t find someplace to lie down.

You’ve probably guessed what she found upstairs. Three beds. The first bed was too hard. The second bed was too soft. But the third bed was juuust right and she climbed in and fell fast asleep.

It was about this time that the bears came home and were shocked to see the state of their house. “Someone’s been eating my porridge!” said the Poppa Bear. “Yes, and someone’s been eating my porridge,” said Momma Bear. “Someone’s been eating my porridge,” said Baby Bear, “And they ate it all up!”

“And look!” said Poppa Bear. “Someone’s been sitting in my chair, too.” At first, Momma Bear wondered how her husband could possibly know that, until she saw her own chair, the one by the fireplace and said, “Someone’s been sitting in my chair.” And when Baby Bear saw the broken pieces of wood in the spot where his chair used to be, he said, “Someone’s been sitting in my chair and they broke it!”

Since they couldn’t find the culprit downstairs, the bears went upstairs to the bedroom. Well, bears, as you probably know, always make their beds in the mornings, so it was clear to them that—“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said the Poppa Bear. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed, too,” said the Momma Bear. “Someone’s been sleeping in my bed,” said Baby Bear. “In fact, someone’s still sleeping in my bed.”

All this commotion had effectively woken Goldilocks up and when she saw three bears glaring angrily at her she was more scared than she had ever been in her life. Poppa Bear was about to give her a stern lecture about the importance of being respectful of other people’s property, but he never got a chance to, because the minute he opened his mouth to speak, Goldilocks thought he was going to try to eat her and she ran like the dickens out of the house, through the woods and found her way home in record time.

Of course, there would have been no need for a lecture after what Goldilocks had experienced. After that day, she was always very careful with things that didn’t belong to her and her friends and family now knew that they could lend her their favorite toys, games, books and things without fear. As for the bears, well they learned that it’s kind of stupid to go for a walk in the woods without even locking your front door and, for extra measure, they installed a home security system. So they too lived happily, and securely, ever after.

THE END

If You Liked My Story, You Might Enjoy:

• "Faerie Tale Theatre" (TV) This episode stars John Lithgow, Tatum O'Neal and Donovan Scott.

NEXT WEEK:  "The Heir to the Throne"


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The Magic Fish

Better known under the title “The Fisherman and his Wife,” this is an old story which has gone through several transformations in its lifespan. Some versions depict the fisherman getting his wish from a mermaid. Another story has the fish granting three wishes only which are then promptly wasted by the happy fishercouple. Wanting to put my own stamp on this story (and to save me having to do any further research), I’ve turned it into a love story, hence the change of title, as you will see.

Once upon a time and really quite far away, there lived a fisherman named Dave. Now, Dave wasn’t his real name, of course, but this story takes place in a very, very far away country, as I said, and the language they speak there is really quite complicated and the only thing harder than pronouncing the names is spelling them, so, for the purposes of our story, we shall call the fisherman Dave.

Now there are really only two kinds of fishermen in this big ole’ world of ours: Successful and the other thing, which, unfortuantely, is what Dave was. He couldn’t catch a cold. Many is the time he heard a strange sound when he was out in his boat, little realizing that it was fish giggling in the water below him. The fact is Dave was an abysmal failure as a fisherman and anybody else would’ve been considering a career change, but not Dave. You see, there are three very good reasons why Dave wanted to stay a fisherman. In the first place, he loved the life. Living by the sea, up at dawn, the salty air, the struggle of man versus fish. In the second place, he wasn’t really qualified for anything else. His resumé was sort of a joke, he had no administrative skills and the only reference he could list was his mother, and she was no help. She always told the story about the time Dave was little when he jumped off the roof with an umbrella thinking he’d float like Mary Poppins.

This bring us to the third reason why Dave wanted to stay a fisherman: He was stupid. But he had a good heart, and he was very kind and people liked him wherever he went. And, as luck would have it, he liked just about everyone he met right back. Especially Sara.

Ah, Sara. The beautiful girl he passed every day on his way to the fish market. It might strike you as odd that so terrible a fisherman would be going to the fish market every day, but he really just went so that he could pass Sara every day. You see, despite never talking to her and only successfully achieving eye contact once (she thought he was someone else), Dave was madly in love with Sara and wanted nothing more than to be with her always.

One day, while Dave was out in his fishing boat, casting his line, thinking about Sara, something happened which had never happened to Dave before. A tug on his line! For a moment, Dave just sat there in the boat, unable to believe it. In fact, it’s likely the fish would’ve gotten away had Dave not snapped out of it at the last moment and started reeling it in like a mad man. It was an epic struggle of man versus fish, just like he’d always wanted. Even better than the one in that Spencer Tracy movie! Finally, with his last ounce of strength, he was able to land the fish in the boat at which point something even more impossible happened.

“Please throw me back!” said the fish.

Dave took another moment to deal with the last three words of the previous sentence before he was able to respond. “Er…huh?” Like I said, none too bright.

“Please,” begged the fish, whose scales were sparkling as though made from genuine gold, “put me back in the water. I’ve got a wife and eight thousand roe waiting for me!”

“You don’t understand,” answered Dave. “I’ve been a fisherman all my life and you’re the first fish I ever caught! I can’t throw you back.”

“It’s not that I don’t appreciate your predicament, but this is my life we’re talking about! Look, if you let me go, I can help you.”

“Help me? How?”

“I’m a magic fish!”

“No, really.”

“I swear. I can grant wishes. You want a wish? I’ll grant you a wish!”

“You mean I can really have any wish I want? Anything in the whole wide world is mine if I throw you back?”

“Exactly, my friend! What will it be?”

Of course, there was only one thing in the entire world that Dave wanted. “I wish Sara were my girl.”

“Granted!” said the fish. And then Dave picked him up and tosses him back into the sea, where he waved a fin in gratitude before disapearing under the waves. It was a slightly apprehensive Dave who rowed his boat for home. He wasn’t entirely sure that the fish was trustworthy. And, after all, he had just thrown back the first and only fish he’d ever caught. Had he made a terrible mistake?

So, that afternoon, as he made his way to the fish market, his eyes fell on Sara and something else happened that had never happened before: She smiled at him. He smiled back. A flower seller by trade, Sara took a shining blue flower from her cart and handed it to Dave. On his way back from the fish market he felt braver, more confident. So he went to Sara and asked her for a date. She said yes and thus began their courtship.

But soon, Dave was filled with misgivings. Sure, he loved Sara, but what else had he to offer her? He lived in a tumbledown shack by the sea, he couldn’t make money, and somehow, even though he had very little contact with them, he usually smelled strongly of fish. True, she was his girlfriend thanks to the fish’s magic, but he was sure that deep down Sara was not happy. Dave got an idea and rowed his boat out to the very same spot where he had met the magic fish in the first place.

“Hello! Magic fish? Are you down there?”

“Hey, how’s it going?” said a familiar voice, as the magic fish popped his head up above the water. “You and the girl, everything good there?”

“Well yes, everything’s wonderful…for me. But I don’t know how happy she is. I mean, I know your magic made her love me…”

“Er, actually, I—”

“But I want her to be really happy. So, I was hoping I could trouble you for another wish. Not for me, you understand. For her.”

“Of course,” said the magic fish. “What kind of fish would I be if I didn’t aid in the cause of true love? What’ll it be?”

“Well, you probably already know I’m not much of a fisherman…”

“I wasn’t going to say anything.”

“So, I wish I was the greatest fisherman of all time!”

“Granted!” said the obliging fish and he dove back under the water. The fisherman threw his nets overboard and in seconds they were full to bursting with fish. In fact, much to his surprise, he now saw that there were three more nets in his boat, which he also cast overboard to be filled almost immediately. Now with four huge bundles of fish, he walked to the fish market with his head held high, and he caught Sara’s eye on his way and she beamed with pride at her boyfriend, the great fisherman. He sold the fish at market and used the money to take Sara out for a night on the town. Fine food and drink, beautiful new clothes for both of them, and tickets to the theatre to see the new Neil Simon play (wow, that guy’s been around forever!).

And from then on, whenever Dave dropped his nets in the water, he was sure to come back with a bounty of fish. And with the money he made, he fixed up his house into a beautiful estate, he bought new fishing boats and hired men to go out and actually catch the fish and he soon became the most famous fish tycoon of all time. He missed going out in the boat and being a fisherman, of course, but now he could treat Sara the way she deserved. They were married, of course, and she gave up her job at the flower cart. Now they were two of the beautiful people…

But something was still wrong.

Unsure of where else to go, Dave took his boat out late at night to find the magic fish. “Magic fish!” he cried out. “Are you there?”

“Well, this is a surprise,” said the fish when he arrived. “I thought you had people do this kind of thing for you nowadays.”

“I know, I know. But I wanted to talk to you.”

“Let me guess. Things not going quite right still?”

“That’s right. How did you know?”

“You’re not the only idiot I’ve granted wishes to, kid. Don’t you have everything you’ve ever wanted?”

“I don’t know. I live in a big house, I’ve got lots of money, I have the most beautiful, wonderful wife in the world, I never have to do any work…”

“You miss your old life, huh?”

“I do.”

“Look, kid, I know you want to make your girl happy, but what good is that if you have to change yourself so much that you’re not happy? Love is supposed to be a two-way street, it doesn’t work if one person is happy and the other is miserable.”

“How do you know so much about love?”

“How do you think I got my eight thousand kids? A genie in a bottle? Listen, Dave, I like you. You’re none too bright, but you’ve got a good heart and you threw me back even when you had no real reason to. So I’m gonna grant you one last wish. Close your eyes, and listen to your heart. Now tell me, what is the one thing you want more than anything else in the world?”

Dave closed his eyes and didn’t have to listen to his heart because it was clear as a bell. “I wish for Sara to have a long and happy life.”

“You’re sure? Cuz this wish will undo all your other wishes. She won’t be your wife anymore. It’ll be like you and I never met.”

“I don’t care. As long as she has what she wants.”

“You’re a good man, Dave. Granted!”

Dave rowed back to shore. It was dark and the moon provided very poor light, so it some time before he noticed that his boat was changing from the fine fishing boat he had bought to the old dinghy he had before. His clothes were the dingy, smelly rags of an unsuccessful fisherman and when he arrived home, his house was once again a shack and it was empty. He was alone. With a very heavy heart, he went to bed and, in his grief, fell fast asleep.

The next day he didn’t get up early. He didn’t go out fishing. He didn’t go to the fish market to see Sara. He figured she wouldn’t be there anyway. Probably living with some prince charming in some other fairy tale living happily ever—

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!!

Being poor, untalented and stupid, Dave had very few friends and, therefore, not many visitors. So he was a little surprised when he heard someone knocking on his door. He was more surprised when he opened it and saw Sara standing there.

“Hi,” she said, timidly. Dave had to remind himself that they had actually never spoken before.

“Hi,” he said.

“Er…I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m—”

“You’re Sara, the girl who works at the flower cart on the way to the fish market…I mean, I think that’s you. Is it?”

“Yes. That’s me. And you’re Dave the fisherman, right?”

“More like Dave the failure. But, yeah, that’s me.”

“Great! I mean, good. It’s good that you’re…er, what I mean is, I didn’t see you in the market today and someone told me this is where you lived. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I don’t know if you realize this, but I see you on the way to the fish market every day.”

“You…you do?”

“Yeah. I even made eye contact with you once, but I got nervous and looked away.”

“You got nervous?”

“Well, like I said I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I guess I’ll leave you alone now, if you want me to—”

“No, wait. You don’t have to go. I mean, if you wanted to come in that would be…if you want to, I mean.”

She said yes, and thus began their courtship…again.

It wasn’t long before Dave and Sara were going steady. Dave couldn’t afford to buy her fancy meals and theatre tickets (which is too bad, since this was just around the time the musical was invented), but they always had fun together, whatever they were doing. Once, Dave even took her out on his fishing boat and she was able to figure out the fairly obvious mistake he was making that was preventing him from catching fish all these years: he wasn’t using bait.

Again, none too bright, good heart.

Now, he wasn’t exactly the greatest fisherman on earth anymore, but he was at least a good fisherman. He was now able to catch something. And he had good days, where he caught lots of fish, and bad days where he caught very few. But he made enough money to repair his leaky shack, keep food on the table and, eventually, to buy a diamond ring (or near enough) for Sara, who would’ve agreed to marry him if he’d given her a ring made of tin.

About a year after he had first met the magic fish, the fisherman was out at work when a familiar voice came from under the sea. “Well, look who’s back!” said the magic fish, popping his head up again.

“Hello, Magic fish!”

“You seem to be in good spirits, Dave. I take it everything’s going well?”

“Wonderful, magic fish…I’m sorry, I never thought to ask, but do you have a name?”

“Yes, I do. It’s…well, it’s David, actually.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, what are the odds, huh? So, you’re doing all right for yourself? And Sara? She’s very happy?”

“We’re both happy, David. It’s funny. When I first wished that she’d fall in love with me—”

“Yeah, I hate to break this to you, pal, but that’s not what you wished. You wished she’d be your girl so I just cast a spell to give her courage enough to approach you with that flower. Which gave you confidence enough to ask her out. But I can’t make people fall in love, that’s well beyond the limits of magic.”

“So…so she wasn’t with me just because she was under a spell?”

“No, Dave, you wonderful idiot, you! She was in love with you from the start. But you needed to realize it on your own before you could have your own happy ending.”

“Well, thanks for everything David.”

“You’re quite welcome, Dave!” And with a playful whip of his tail, David, the magic, talking, wish-granting fish dove back into the water and was never heard of again. As for Dave and Sara, they lived very happily ever after…but, you probably already knew that, huh?

THE END

If You Liked My Story, You Might Enjoy:

• “Fractured Fairy Tales” (TV) A segment of the Rocky and Bullwinkle show which did this story several times. Sometimes I wish I could get Edward Everett Horton to read my stories.

NEXT WEEK: "Goldilocks and the Three Bears"